I came back from spending an exhausting 24 hours at Crash Campaign, and while that very briefly distracted me from my truly abysmal mental health these days, the second I walked back in the door it hit me like a fucking mac truck.

Let me just admit something. Are you ready for it?

I am so fucking lonely.

Damn, I wrote that sentence and now I am crying. I guess that means it’s true.

Listen, I know I need to confront some shit. I really, really know that. I know I need to get to the root cause of this disease that is eating me away from the inside out. Fuck, these days I get nauseous every time I eat, and I know it’s because of all the infectious negativity constricting all the space inside my body.

Anyways, I came back from spending a whirlwind 24 hours with three complete strangers. We sat together in Carroll 111 at 4pm on Friday evening and then shared t24 extremely intimate (?) and mentally/emotionally-taxing hours together.

It was like being high.

I’m just so starved for human interaction. I wonder if I’ve always been like this, or if the acknowledgement of my mental disease has caused me to fixate all my anxieties on this one gaping hole in my life.

It just feels most people in my life don’t give a fuck about whether I exist or not. Maybe that’s not true for my family, but it is certainly true of the people here with me at school.

Do you know what I want? I want like a group of three friends who will text me and say, “hey, what are you up to this evening? how’d crash campaign go? do you want to come over and hang out?”

Listen, I know what my problem is. I don’t reach out to people. I can’t fucking make myself vulnerable.

But why? If I want that for myself, why don’t I make it happen?

Sometimes I wonder what percentage of this disaster of a life is my fault and what percentage is my fucked up brain’s fault. Is this normal? Are other people this lonely? Do other people just naturally know how to do this?